How to get your needs met in 2025.
There’s a method for getting one’s needs met that I quite admire. This method forms the cornerstone of Non-Violent Communication (NVC), a compassionate model of communication developed by the American psychologist, mediator, author, and teacher, Marshall Rosenberg.
The method is summed up by four key components: “Observations, Feelings, Needs, Requests.”
Observations
Observations are the facts we see or hear that prompt a reaction. These are objective observations, free from interpretations or judgments. For example: “As I was heading to the meeting for our shared presentation, I got your call saying you couldn’t make it.” This statement describes observable facts, unlike “You totally flaked and let me down,” which is rooted in judgement and blame.
Sticking to facts helps establish common ground and doesn’t put others on a defensive footing. It also encourages us to take responsibility for our own needs rather than placing the responsibility for them on others.
Feelings
Feelings describe our emotional states and physical sensations in response to experiences. They reflect our inner reactions rather than interpretations about others’ behavior.
For example, someone might say, “I felt frustrated, exasperated, or panicked,” as opposed to “I felt like you didn’t respect me, our commitment, or the team.” The former reflect the person’s inner experience while the latter are interpretations of their inner experience.
By speaking about our feelings and inner experience, we share vulnerability—a key ingredient in supporting connection—and allow ourselves to be known. In taking responsibility for our feelings, we are explicitly stating that our feelings are our own. They are generated within us, by us. Therefore they are no one’s responsibility but ours. This offers safety to those we share with because we are making clear that no one is to blame for our feelings.
Feelings are also useful signposts pointing us to our own needs. If we feel scared and angry, we may need safety. If we feel lonely, sad,and anxious, we may need inclusion, belonging, community, and connection.
When we are in touch with our feelings, we have a better sense of what we need. When we communicate our needs, we stand a much better chance of having them met.
Needs
Needs are things we require for our physical and emotional well-being. Needs are universal. We all have them. Recognizing and expressing them, both in ourselves and others, fosters connection with our shared humanity. If I share my need for nourishment and shelter and you also recognized that need in yourself—hooray!—we recognize the universality of our shared needs.
Needs can range from basic (like nourishment, rest, shelter, connection) to nuanced (like beauty, companionship, intimacy, and appreciation). Some apply to the way we relate to each other (like the needs for freedom, honesty, clarity, and choice). All are universal. And all of us may value certain needs differently. I’ll link to a list of needs at the end of this article. It can be helpful to pick from a list rather than to identify them all on your own.
Understanding, through experience, which needs we value and long for, enables us to meet them, either through our actions or by making requests of others.
It can be helpful to distinguish between needs and strategies. If I say, “I need you to take the kids to their art class next weekend,” what I’m expressing is not a need but a strategy that I imagine will help meet my needs. (A strategy includes a person, location, action, time, or object linked to our expression of what we want.) The actual needs I’m trying to address might be rest, autonomy, balance, self-connection, inspiration and aliveness.
The strategies we envision can be part of the requests we make.
Requests
Requests are actions we ask of ourselves or others to meet our needs. For example, I might ask myself, “Would I be willing to spend a bit more time on this project today to meet my need for accomplishment?” or “Could I take a break and meet a friend for coffee to fulfill my need for connection?”
A couple of points to remember: no one is responsible for meeting our needs but us. And we may find that our needs conflict.
We may make requests of others. Like in the previous example of the kids and their art class, I may say to my partner, “I’m feeling a need for some autonomy, balance, and self-connection next weekend. Would you be willing to take the kids to their art class?”
If we identify the needs driving the request, we may find that we’re more likely to get a yes. And these are requests, so being able to hear a “no” helps. If we’re not, we’re actually making a demand.
And, of course, my partner may also have needs which conflict with my request. Perhaps we can negotiate. They might say, “Oh, I have plans to meet a friend at the museum. What if the kids skip their art class this week and I check in with my friend to see if they’d be willing to have the kids join us,” or “Let me see if I can can change my plans to make it work.” And, if my partner is not willing, I might find an alternative way for the kids to get to their class. And the kids might have their own needs…
It also helps if requests are clear and doable. For example I may say, “In order to help me meet my need for predictability, would you be willing to be on time?” But being on time might not always be possible. I might have better luck asking, “In order to help me meet my need for predictability, would you be willing to let me know as soon as you know, or suspect, that you won’t be able to meet me when we planned?”
Another aspect to consider is the “point positive” approach. Instead of making a request based on what you don’t want, e.g., “Would you be willing to stop yelling?” I invite you to make one based on what you do want, e.g., “Would you be willing to lower your voice or have this conversation later when we’ve both had a moment to take a breather? I hear that you’re angry, and I get that. And I’d like for our conversation to still feel safe and loving and mutually supportive.”
By working with this framework, and having empathy for ourselves and others, you may find that you have much better success getting your needs met.
If you’d like accompaniment on your self-development journey, I’d be happy to chat with you.
Nik Schulz
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